If you’re getting ready for your first lovemaking experience, there are surely a lot of thoughts running through your head. It’s a big life milestone.
Will it hurt? How will I feel, what’s normal and what isn’t? Maybe you’re also wondering whether your body will somehow change after such an experience.
You don’t have to be afraid of anything—we’ve prepared the ultimate guide to first-time lovemaking for you. You’ll learn absolutely everything.
Does first-time sex hurt?
Sex can be compared to a very enjoyable form of exercise. You might sweat like you do at the gym. Your body may change a little during this activity. For example, your intimate areas may swell.
There’s no need to worry—it’s simply because your genitals are getting more blood flow. That makes them more sensitive and gives you the chance to experience even more pleasurable satisfaction. Once the fun is over, you can be sure your body will return to normal.
Most women are born with a hymen, a membrane located inside the vagina. During first-time intercourse, it may stretch or tear, which may or may not cause bleeding. Everyone experiences this differently.
For some, this experience hurts a little; for others, not at all. It depends on many factors, such as the position you’re in, penis size, and your partner’s strength.
According to surveys and interviews conducted with many people, most did not consider their first sex experience painful.
You just need to relax, calm down, focus on your body, and enjoy this special moment.
When first-time sex hurts a lot
If you do feel like it hurts too much, of course tell your partner. You can change positions, cuddle a little longer, and then try again.
The cause is often insufficient lubrication or lack of arousal, perhaps due to nervousness. That’s easy to fix with lube. Don’t rush—if it doesn’t work the first time, you can absolutely leave it for another day.
If the problems persist, a gynecologist can certainly advise you, but these are rare cases. As you relax more over time and truly want it yourself, it will almost certainly work out, because you won’t be so tense.
The exception in this painful section is sex under pressure or involving violence. That is a crime. If it hurts, you tell your partner, and they don’t stop, or if you bleed after a violent encounter, that is violence.
Psychological aspects of sex
The truth is that when you feel ready for first-time lovemaking, you usually don’t worry that much. You look forward to it. You desire it. You feel a strange shiver through your body, and you keep imagining the situation over and over. There is trust between you, and you feel aroused when you kiss or cuddle.
This mental state will really help you overcome nervousness and fear. Then you’ll probably only appreciate practical tips on how to avoid minor complications. If you’re truly scared, talk about it with your partner and don’t let yourself be pushed into it just because they pressure you.
Communication between you is important too. Before you begin, be clear with each other about how far you want to go, and how you’ll protect yourselves from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Feel free to talk about your fantasies as well. For example, about what you do when you’re alone. You know your own body best and know what feels good to it.
Consent is the responsibility of both partners. Both must want it. Ask yourselves these questions:
- Do I know exactly what awaits me and what we’re going to do?
- Do we both know what is beyond the line and what is definitely off-limits?
- Does my partner know what I’m afraid of? Do I know what my partner is afraid of?
- Are we both protected and do we feel safe?
- Do we really want this?
- Are we willing to talk about it if something goes wrong?
Real consent means being fully aware of what is going to happen and being clear about your boundaries. If your partner says no to something, don’t pressure them and respect their decision. That will deepen your mutual trust, and next time you may go a little further. Or not—and that’s okay too.
How to prepare for first-time sex?
First-time sex can also happen completely spontaneously. Not everything can be planned. But if you’re one of the lucky ones who has the chance to prepare for this experience, there are a few things worth keeping in mind.
1. Use a condom
Safety first! Consider ways to make sex completely safe. Unprotected sex can result in the transmission of infections.
Reach for a condom and you can be sure no sexually transmitted infection will be passed on. Among other things, when used correctly, a condom prevents fertilization and unwanted pregnancy.
2. Lube makes everything smoother
If you want real reassurance that you won’t feel pain, for example from unpleasant friction, use a lubricant, which helps a lot during penetration and ensures a slick, pleasant experience during your intimate play.
3. Setting
If you want to remember your first time as a beautiful and unforgettable experience, think about the environment and the setting too. Make sure you can be somewhere calm and cozy. Light a few candles, play some pleasant music if you like—the important thing is that there’s a positive atmosphere in the air.
Hygiene before and after sex
Hygiene is probably the topic you think about most. Clean, fragrant, and attractive—that’s how everyone wants to feel. That’s why it’s ideal to plan your first sex calmly and with plenty of time, when there’s also a bathroom nearby.
A bath together can be a great form of foreplay. And of afterplay too, because movies don’t show this part. After sex you’re sweaty, sticky, and yes, you may not smell perfect. So hygiene afterward is just as important as before.
How to have sex for the first time
Foreplay is something that should not be forgotten during first-time sex. Couples often try to go straight to penetration and experience that entry as soon as possible.
But that’s like skipping thousands of sweet desserts and delicious appetizers and jumping straight to the main course. You won’t be in the mood, you’ll overdo it, and you’ll feel bad. Yes, that applies to sex too. For girls and boys alike.
Foreplay is very important because it leads the body into arousal, which greatly helps during penetration. Research also suggests that it helps with reaching orgasm. So don’t skip this important part—enjoy every moment that turns you on.
Cute condom packaging can make the anticipation even hotter.
One more important thing: practice putting on a condom in advance—it’s a skill that really comes in handy!
For the first time, there’s no need to try any extreme positions or imitate the kind of sex you see in porn. Try positions that feel natural to you, ones your bodies move into spontaneously as part of your play.
Don’t stay in positions that feel uncomfortable in any way. Communicate with your sweetheart—tell them what feels good and what feels less pleasant. Your partner should also check in from time to time to ask if everything is okay. Talk about what attracts you, give in to the temptation, and enjoy the special moment.
Don’t be disappointed if orgasm doesn’t happen. Very few people experience it the first time, or it may feel more like a physical release of tension.
What’s more, it may not work right away the first time. All the more reason you’ll want to practice and try again. Soon enough, that irresistible climax will surely come. And the more your bodies get in sync, the more intense it will feel.
What to do if it doesn’t go as expected
Something may get awkward or go wrong—and why not? In fact, it’s more likely that something will be a little awkward than that everything will be like in a romantic movie.
First of all, please don’t treat first-time sex as something fateful. Honestly, most couples remember it with a smile, and sometimes they even add an embarrassing little story.
You don’t know each other yet, and your bodies don’t know each other either. There are so many sensations, and you’re both nervous. Next time will be a bit better. And then even more. First-time sex is above all about exploration and curiosity.
What to expect after your first sexual experience
Emotions that may come up?
Actually, just about anything—and it doesn’t have to be all-consuming bliss. You may feel joy, but also relief that it’s behind you.
Confusion and embarrassment may also appear. Even if you clearly agreed on how it would go. After all, it’s something new, and sex often reveals your true relationship with your body. Even though your boundaries were discussed, maybe your partner crossed one, or something felt unexpectedly unpleasant.
The whole experience will leave an impression on you not only in the first minutes afterward, but also in the following days. That is the time when you should be able to talk together.
Name your feelings, listen to your body, and think together about what you’ll do differently and better next time. And you should ask too whether your partner had any difficulties.
Being the first to open such a topic is very hard, but when asked, the other person may relax. An empathetic style of communication will deepen your trust enormously. It’s clear that you may feel shy. You can even start by saying: “I feel a little awkward, but…”—that helps ease the atmosphere.
Also believe that the longer you’re together, the easier these conversations will become. But you have to carve out that path carefully. It’s not easy—conversations about first-time sex are the hardest, because you still don’t really know what to expect from your bodies, what to talk about, and everything is happening for the first time…
You may be surprised by mild soreness in your lower belly or intimate areas right away or the next day. That’s normal and comes from those areas being physically strained. Later on, this pain and discomfort usually lessen.
If you have a more serious problem—if you feel hurt psychologically or physically—seek out a psychologist in the first case, and a gynecologist in the second.
Sexual orientation and first-time sex
If your first time is with someone of the same sex, the same rules apply. Is it an exception, are you into both? Is it love, or just curiosity? These topics are truly more complex, and there should be even more room for communication. Including talking about your bodies, their reactions, and self-acceptance in general.
Look for articles on this topic so you can find out what may come up. Learning from other people’s experiences is the most valuable thing.
Save first-time anal sex for later
This section is aimed more at heterosexual and lesbian couples. For male gay couples, you’ll find a few tips a little further below.
There’s no need to try everything the first time. First, try to focus on just one aspect—vaginal penetration. Even that alone will be intense, and it will take time to fully process the experience.
You still have many more “firsts” ahead of you. Once you become confident and skilled in more conventional sex, you can both move forward and try new things.
There’s no need to rush, and even first-time anal sex is an experience you need to prepare for. And there, it really helps to know your body’s reactions and your desires.
If you’re curious, you can read more here:
FAQ: Dispelling myths and facts about first-time sex
Common misconceptions can ruin the first experience for us. So what’s the truth, and what definitely isn’t?
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Does it (first-time sex) have to hurt?
No. You may feel uncomfortable pressure and unfamiliar sensations. First-time sex is simply different because everything in those areas is happening for the first time. Once you become more familiar with your bodily reactions, you’ll relax into deeper experiences. First-time sex may feel a little “surface-level and nervous,” and that’s perfectly okay too. -
Do you need to be perfect?
Not at all. Boys and men often have plenty to deal with themselves during first-time sex with a new partner—their nervousness, arousal, and keeping an eye on their erection. A slightly numbing condom can help with fear of premature ejaculation. So the erection isn’t too much, and not too little either. Just know that your body is simply fascinating to him because he’s seeing it for the first time. Flaws? They don’t exist—in that moment, they really don’t!
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Why doesn’t first-time sex have to be a breakthrough and magical moment?
First-time sex doesn’t have to feel like being launched into space or like a breathtaking confirmation of your love. And if something didn’t work out, got awkward, hurt a little, or felt embarrassing, it doesn’t mean you don’t belong together. You will remember this moment, but as already mentioned, you may experience it as more shaky and absent-minded than all the lovemaking that follows. In those later moments, it will really become what you hoped for—you’ll see! -
You’ll experience first-time sex again? After childbirth!
In fact, you’ll experience more than one “first time.” With every new partner, a lighter version of everything described here may repeat itself—from insecurity to physical discomfort. And then, for example, after childbirth or after surgeries in the intimate area. Everything is rearranged, sore, healed, so sensitivity changes. In these cases, sex may simply be more painful until the body fully heals. Here, great intimacy and mutual trust between partners play a big role. -
I think I don’t really want (sex) anymore…?
Yes, this feeling can come too. Often, it’s simply an experience you may not feel like repeating right away. Weird, awkward, or with the feeling, “So this was supposed to be it?” You may not believe it, but in those first moments, that’s how most people tend to feel.
Cuddle, love each other, text a lot, take interest in one another, and talk about it in the first hours and days. It helps ease unpleasant feelings and gets you in the mood for next time. Don’t stay alone with your feelings—whether the lovely ones or the uncomfortable ones.
Take a look together at our social media so you don’t miss any news, and browse our rich selection in the e-shop. Maybe together you’ll discover something you absolutely have to try during your next lovemaking session! Or choose something for solo fun, because getting to know your own orgasms is the best investment in a relationship.
